Jun 29 2009
Intuition
Post break up, there’s so much on my mind. It’s not really anger, or pain now, though they flair up momentarily. Yesterday I was wishing I knew who to call, to keep myself from stupidly calling my ex. Now, we’ve been talking on AIM, so we’re not on bad terms at all, but it was how I was feeling in relation to wanting to call him. But aside from that, it’s been a lot better.
The problem is, I have a feeling of what things are going to happen in the near future, concerning all of this. I won’t go into details, but thinking about it, it amuses me, in a sick sort of way. I’m STILL going to be the one there, picking up the pieces. I’m STILL going to be the one who understands. I’m STILL going to be the one who’s compassionate. I’m STILL going to be the one to comfort.
And why did he say he thought it was a good idea to break up?
I’m just sick enough that a part of me doesn’t mind that at all. I’m just sick enough to care so much about someone else who probably only cares half as much as I do. Everyone says I’m not sick, but I dunno. Maybe I’m not sick. But I’m not right in the head either. haha! Figure that one out.
Maybe this is also just that I’m not entirely over it. Going from being pretty sure you’re off the market for good to free as a bird in the blink of an eye, not everything sinks in as fast. Put all your energy into someone, just to retract it, it’s weird. I had adjusted to a certain tempo, and suddenly the conductor changed his pace and I’m trying to read the pattern. Of course, eventually you get it figured out and keep up, that’s not the part that worries me. I’m just amused that, during the tempo change, I’m still the constant. I may be at the mercy of the conductor, but I’m still also the part that has to be followed to find the groove. I’m still the reliable source.
“I am the dragon, I am the sky, I’m the blood in the corner of your eye,” ~David Bowie, “All the pretty things are going to Hell”
