So this weekend being fall break, everything’s just been thrown for a loop, emotionally speaking. I think my life has been upgraded from a chick flick to a soap opera. Drama, drama, drama. Feelings that won’t die, the world being handed to me on a silver platter when I’m too scared to take it, throwing myself head first into my work, and very clearly understanding other languages, yet not knowing what’s being said tends to make my little head want to explode. Or join a convent. But I’ve been told on 2 occasions now that I’m too ‘odd’ to join a convent, or that I could never get by as I wouldn’t be able to survive without my huge earrings and pink eyeshadow. So then my next option is to go all Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson and completely recoil into religion and making up my own romances, while never really having any interludes myself. Once again, same friend who pointed out the earrings and makeup was like “Erika, you already do that.” Ok, so I do. Big deal! So shoots that idea in the foot.

The drama’s getting to me. I mean school is enough by itself. I don’t MIND per se, I did sign up for all this after all. But it’s a lot. Any more than that though, and it’s driving me insane. And I could kill one of the aforementioned guys for…I guess you could say ‘calling’ me on that. I forget exactly what he said, but it was something to the effect of, you’re so wrapped up in all this work, and yeah it’s important, but what about what REALLY matters. I guess it only made me so mad as I spent 4 years worrying about all that…time for the backlash into my work to make everything balance out. I’m to the point where i can’t really sacrifice my work anymore. The attitude I read le Baron de Montesquieu had concerning his work was “Étudier, c’est la vie.” (Life is to study.) Anymore that’s how I feel, and anyone throwing themselves in the way of that, well…

It’s not saying I won’t ever come back to some equilibrium, and want the balance between work and love. But now? With all this falling into my lap, all the things I’ve worked for, all the things I’ve nearly lost? I’m not loosing it now. Not ever, but DEFINITELY not now.

So I dunno what the point of all this is. Just guess I’m ranting a little before bed.

School so far is going really well. Whoever coined the term “there’s no rest for the wicked,” can totally eat my left shoe. Haha! But it’s going well. I enjoy all my classes, and I enjoy the work. I just hate when I’m too tired to do my homework, like I was last night. Ugh. So that leads to 3 am and too much caffeine consumption, followed by hope of getting enough sleep THAT night, and enough time before class to get up and get rolling properly, and not rush. That is the perk to afternoon/evening classes, though I’m rarely home much before 8. Ah well.

Other than that it’s the same old, different day. A bunch of drama is FINALLY blowing over. Seriously. Guy drama queens are fail. Guy drama queens who try to  protect you are even worse. Guy drama queens who try to protect you and think of you as their forbidden fruit are the worst. Like seriously. I don’t NEED drama. At all. School is stressful enough!

The other drama has blown over though. Still somethings I’m a little…apprehensive about, but nothing to really complain about either. Just that emotions, and situations have changed, therefore changing what I want to do for or with other people.

Having one of my good friends back from California is nice. I mean, next year we’re gonna be globe trotting (she’s going to Georgia, I’m going to France), but it’s nice to actually be around her again. And we’re taking Chinese together. Oh yes, AWESOMENESS! ^_^

Anyway, I’d better get going for now. More writing and note taking to do. <3

To get back in the habit…

Currently reading: Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier
Currently watching: Original Sin with Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas
Currently playing: World of Warcraft
Currently listening: “ToyZ” by Cinema Bizarre

The only part of his funeral I actually caught was Smokey Robinson’s euology. Talk about a phony, manufactured piece of crap. Ugh. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re talking about the King of Pop or the King of the Ant Hill, if you’re giving a euology, DON’T just recite lines for publicity. That’s rude, disrespectful, and just downright tacky (oh I love adopting Southern dialect ). I mean it’s a funeral for crying out loud, not a photo op.

But, a friend of mine showed me a video maybe a half an hour after the funeral ended–tops–of his daughter, Paris. I was like ok may as well watch, at least it’s his child, and not some weirdo looking for the spotlight.

Watching her give that short little speech made me bawl. It reminded me of my 14 year old self, giving a euology at my mother’s funeral. In the blink of an eye, I went from watching a celebrity funeral, to saying to myself, “I’ve been in her shoes before.”

Fortunately for her, it looks like Michael’s family’s got a good relationship with her, and her brothers. Thank God for that. It’ll be what gets them through this…and I don’t mean oh Michael wants Diana Ross to be legal guardian, or whatever. I don’t care who gets to sign their permission slips for school field trips. I’m talking about a real family. God knows if my dad hadn’t been there for me and my brother, in subsequent years, it would’ve been game over

But back to what I was saying. It’s like what I had to say about Lisa Marie Presely’s blog. This surpasses any fame or celebrity or anything like this. As a person, the moment I saw her turn around and cry on her aunt’s shoulder, my heart went out to her because I’ve been through the same thing.  That video could’ve been of any little girl, at any given time, and I would’ve felt the same.

Judging by her reaction, I’m assuming her relationship with her dad was a strong one. I’m glad. But even so, now all 3 of those children are going to grow up, so many mixed stories–good and bad–about who their dad was, but now they’ll never REALLY know. They won’t ever get to know their father as more than just dad, but as a person. And considering who their dad was, the extremes are far apart of the good and bad things they’ll hear. Mollestation charges? Being abused by Grandpa? From small town Indiana (and for the record, I live about 2 hours from MJ’s home town)? Married to Elvis’ daughter? Those are just the famous things I can think of. Now let’s factor in personal family memories, and stories, and things the media doesn’t know. They’ve got a double dose of it. God knows I’ve had a healthy dose, and my mom was just a school teacher from Indianapolis. And even then, my dad’s the only one who can really tell me anything concrete about her. While that’s fine, it’s only one perspective: a husband remembering his wife.

All that said, those 3 kids have been on my heart/mind lately, and in my prayers a lot as well. Not because they’re the children of the fallen King of Pop, but because they’re 3 children that I understand. It’s scary, loosing a parent so young. They’re supposed to be there for you, and guide you, and show you right from wrong. When they’re gone, all of a sudden, things don’t make as much sense and aren’t so clear. Even for me, with a strong father figure, I still felt lost. Who was I supposed to talk to about all the ‘girl things’ in life? Who was going to help me plan for my wedding? Who was going to help me when my first baby was on the way? Who would understand that? Who would help me with that, but also have known me all my life, and helped me become who and what I am? No one. There’s a void that no one can ever fill.

I compare it to loosing a limb: initially when you  loose it, it sucks. You wonder how you’re going to cope, and deal, and all that. You need it just to function! But eventually, you adjust. It’s not great, but you’re used to it. Then you find a prosthetic. Takes a few tries to find the right one, and to adjust it so it fits properly, but after enough tries, it works. So now you’re in rehab, and you work on it, and you become accustomed to it. You can sort of get back to a routine now. It’s not PERFECT, it’s definitely not the same, but nowyou can function again. So you live your life as normally as possible, and make the best of things. That’s what it’s like to loose a parent at such a young age.

I truly hope these three kids find solace in their family, their friends, and maybe even possibly some of their fathers’ fans.

If you’ve read Twilight, then you probably get where I’m going with this. If not, let me explain.

All the vampires in the Cullen clan have some unique ability. Their ability was based in something they could do in life. Maybe not to the extent they could do it as a vampire, but they had some inkling of it. Alice’s was the most extreme, being able to read minds. Thanks to the era she was originally born in, she was subjected to shock therapy, admitted to a psych ward, and was pronounced ‘dead’. However, thanks to that she had little recollection of her life before being changed.

Her talent is unique though: her visions change as people change their minds.

That factor always made me think. Sure, I believe in some things about our future being destined, and so on. Some parts of it are, and our life paths are set up in a way that that is going to happen. But, 75% of the time, is it up to us? We have free will, and be it we make good or bad choices, they can change everything. Not every choice we make is that big of a deal. Sometimes it’s just a matter of whether or not we get somewhere on time, have time to eat a meal, or can make a pit stop at the bathroom. Sometimes, it’s where we go and what we do in life.

We change our minds, all the time, therefore possibly changing our futures. Are they REALLY that predestined, or do we have more influence over the future than we even realize? People say God has control of all of this, and so on. I don’t doubt that. But, between God being omniscient, and human beings having free will, it’s an interesting combination. And I’m not even saying free will is rebellion against God, but rather, does God control everything, or does he only control certain, crucial parts, and leaves the rest to us?

I just can’t believe that everything is already set in stone, that firmly. Parts of it, yes, but isn’t it also up to us to decide for ourselves? To go where we believe is right? To do what we want? It can’t all be…that cut and dry.

The problem is, I have a feeling of what things are going to happen in the near future, concerning all of this. I won’t go into details, but thinking about it, it amuses me, in a sick sort of way. I’m STILL going to be the one there, picking up the pieces. I’m STILL going to be the one who understands. I’m STILL going to be the one who’s compassionate. I’m STILL going to be the one to comfort.

And why did he say he thought it was a good idea to break up?

I’m just sick enough that a part of me doesn’t mind that at all. I’m just sick enough to care so much about someone else who probably only cares half as much as I do. Everyone says I’m not sick, but I dunno. Maybe I’m not sick. But I’m not right in the head either. haha! Figure that one out.

Maybe this is also just that I’m not entirely over it. Going from being pretty sure you’re off the market for good to free as a bird in the blink of an eye, not everything sinks in as fast. Put all your energy into someone, just to retract it, it’s weird. I had adjusted to a certain tempo, and suddenly the conductor changed his pace and I’m trying to read the pattern. Of course, eventually you get it figured out and keep up, that’s not the part that worries me. I’m just amused that, during the tempo change, I’m still the constant. I may be at the mercy of the conductor, but I’m still also the part that has to be followed to find the groove. I’m still the reliable source.

“I am the dragon, I am the sky, I’m the blood in the corner of your eye,” ~David Bowie, “All the pretty things are going to Hell”

No, I don’t have any sentimental stories about how he impacted my childhood, or whatever. Sure, I LIKED him well enough. And I frequently said that, while he may have been a weirdo, last time he was on trial, I doubted his guilt. I was more convinced the boy’s mother was a liar, and the fact she was put on trial later for perjury confirmed my suspicions. But that’s the furthest my intrigue went. I didn’t cry when I heard he died–though I had a major WTF moment–but I did have a few questions.

First off,  I hope his kids didn’t get stuck with his debt. $400 million is NOT their responsibility, and they’d be screwed for life. o.O That scares me most. 

I was also curious about what Elizabeth Taylor would say, as she and MJ were so close. I know I’d be a wreck if I lost my best friend, I’d be crazy. He’s been my rock since I was 3 years old. I’d be lost without him.

Lastly, I came across Lisa Marie Presley’s blog. Signing into AIM, they mentioned it in their news page that pops up. So I went on her myspace, and read her blog. That was the part that struck me the most. The way she talked about Michael, and their relationship sounded like the one I just got out of. Even to the point that my ex has said before he doesn’t know if he’ll make it to 40, and that was a conversation we only had a few times. He felt how he felt, and there was no need to discuss it further. So we never did. But the way she talked about feeling like she was loosing herself to save him, I was headed that way too. And it was so weird, seeing someone on a more public level talk about him in a way I’ve felt in the same time frame. And like her, I had to walk away. I hated it, but I had to. I love him anyway, and if, he is right, 12 years from now, I may as well stand at his funeral as a widow. “Any ill experience or words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along with him.” Even if that part doesn’t hold true, there are still so many similarities of them as living entities, that I must wonder.

So that’s the part of this that has honestly impacted me the hardest. It’s not about MJ’s celebrity or impact on music. I haven’t listened to one song or watched one video since he passed, only read a few small articles to satiate curiousity.  But hearing a woman who was married to him, in love with him, talk about him at his death, in the same way I’ve been talking, strikes me most. It’s the part I can identify with, as a person.

Lisa Marie Presley’s Myspace Blog

But I’m not going to talk about that. I really don’t feel like talking about the pain of it, the frustration I’m feeling, etc. It’s a fresh breakup. Everything’s confusing. We all know that. Watch a couple of movies and you get the point.

It’s just…weird. It’s back to just living with my family, which is fine. But it’s back to just them now. Almost like going back to square one.  Not in a bad way, mind you. I mean, my family’s super close and all that jazz, so I don’t mind that I’m living here still. Besides, if things pan out how I hope, there’s no sense in trying to move out yet.

It’s just that this is a grey area. I have all the opportunity in the world now. I’ve already looked into Strasbourg, France, and where I want to study there. And then I know there’s something else in Aix-en-Provence. My friend is going there next year, and she’s informed me of some of the semantical parts of it. And after all that, dad would like to send me and my brother to Europe. I think that’d be fun, taking a “Grand Tour” with my little brother. As much as we fight and bicker, and as much a we frustrate each other, I think it could be fun. There are some places we both want to go to, but I think my list is longer.

However, I still love this guy to pieces. I mean, I love him a LOT. And the way I was about the relationship, I treated it like it was for life. Sure, we weren’t married yet, but I put everything I had into it. I told my dad that, based on what he always taught me, and his example, I did exactly what I thought I should.

But, looking at myself, I’ve done a lot of things like my dad did. Maybe it’s a subconcious thing, or maybe we’re that much alike. IDK. But, dad told me he was dating a Puerto Rican girl before college. I don’t know if I ever knew her name, but he told me as far as he knew, he was going to marry her. But then they went to college, and met my mother. Maybe, once again, I’m just following in my father’s footsteps. Who knows? Or maybe even, I was right, in all I thought, but the way life went–my ex’s mistakes and mine–it just couldn’t work anymore. That happens…and not just in relationships but in anything. We have free will and make our choices. Life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders. Just don’t hit that big chute at 84, and wind up at 1 again. That’s one BIG mistake. And maybe, that’s what happened. Maybe we landed on 84, and we’re back at 1.

Hopefully, starting at 1 again means we BOTH have a chance to make it to 100. Maybe we’ll get there a little late because, unless you hit that big ladder at like, space 15, by the time you hit 84, everyone is either closer to 100 than you were, or was at somewhere like 79 or 65. So it takes a while to catch up, and maybe you hit a couple of ladders and jump up, or maybe you get really lucky and land on space 15, or whatever it was, and jump up that huge ladder. Who knows?

So as bittersweet as it is, I hope that I made the right choice in ending a relationship so as I could move ahead in life. Maybe I’ll wind up like my German prof and his wife: she’s of Korean heritage but was born and raised in Germany. Did her grad studies in the US, and I’m assuming that’s where they met. And he spent several years, I believe, in Europe before getting married. He was older when he settled. *shrugs*

I always thought maybe I could be one of the lucky ones, married when I was young, and out there living my dreams, having the golden life. But maybe, my life wasn’t as designed for marriage as I thought. At least not yet. Gah, I don’t want to have to listen to my grandma. “When are you getting married? What are you, gay? What are you doing, wasting your time?” Ugh. Yay for that way of thinking (Note: sarcasm). The ideal life to me is travel, study, and writing. That’s all I really want. SUre if love walks along, I won’t push it away. I’m too much of a romantic for that. But, I’m not looking for it, actively. Besides, anytime I did find it, it was pretty much something I stumbled on. *shrugs* So I’m not too worried.

I’m not anticipating having to call my now ex to get my books back from his sisters, and to get some of my other things. I also ruined a copy of one of his books several weeks ago and I told him I’d replace it. So I did that, and I intend on giving it to him. I mean, that’s just good manners and all that. So who knows what’ll happen. I’ve planned on doing that today. But I need to shower and everything first. Considering I’ve been awake three hours already, I may want to do that soon.

All that said, I better head out now. <3

Currently listening: Enter Sandman ~ Metallica
Currently watching: Casablanca

Oddly enough, my best friend is ALSO my first love. Yeah, weird, I know. Know someone for 20 years (we used to live down the street from each other, starting when we were 3), and see what happens then. You can’t just walk away because someone made a bad choice. You can’t just ignore it all. Once you’ve been through everything together, it’s not just that simple to walk away from someone. It’s like flushing your whole life down the drain. “Remember the park?” “Remember how we’d run all over the neighborhood in the summer?” “Remember that jerk next door to me?” “Remember 7th grade history class?” “Remember all those late night phone calls Freshman year?” “Remember Senior semi formal?” “Remember all those nights after work, talking and laughing?” “Remember dancing with me in the street light singing to me in French so I’d stop crying?” Yeah, those aren’t disposable memories.

I know a part of me should be over this. Why should I still be stinging over something that happened 4 years ago, and our lives have moved on? I guess the worst part is that we’re still best friends. It’s not a boy who broke my heart, and our lives went separate paths. I don’t even think God would try to split us up. Not that He CAN’T, but I don’t see anywhere in the near future Him messing up our friendship. Why would God mess up something He created? Doesn’t make sense to me…

If I said I regretted my relationship now, I’d be a liar. I love my fiance dearly, and believe in him so fiercly that, well I’d take on ANYONE in  his defense. The way we fit together is perfect. I couldn’t ask for more. I really couldn’t. Just like my best friend, we’ve been through so much together, and there’s no way I would just walk away from him. Not after everything we shared. Not after he’s stuck out every flaw and problem and mistake. He’s part of me. Removing him from my life would be like cutting off my right arm, or my big toes (sounds small, but your body’s balance lies in your big toes. Don’t have those, you can’t walk). We keep each other balanced and sane, because trust me, on our own, we’re baskest cases. haha! And I’ll be the first to admit that!

But that doesn’t change the fact I was hurt…deeply. I think I handled it well, considering my lack of self control most of the time. Haha! But, if things didn’t end up working out like we had thought, at least I still have him as a friend, and at least I know I can trust him, always.

Currently listening: When You Walked Into My Life ~ Lila McCann, Souvenirs ~ Dan Fogelberg, You’ve Got a Friend ~ James Taylor

I’ve spent the whole day being ‘domestic’. haha! It’s not so bad though. Getting me to clean isn’t as bad as it used to be. I used to be awful about trying to clean anything. Now I don’t mind so much.

I realized that I think too much. LOL. To those who know me best, it may be obvious, but even in reading my own stuff, wow. I over analyze everything. But to me, things have always seemed worth thinking about. It’s why I’ve always liked reading, and writing. I have to contemplate everything. It’s a shame I didn’t understand literary analysis better than I did in the one class I took. haha!

So at the moment, there’s not a whole lot going on. I’m combating writer’s block, boredom, and insomnia. My normal bedtime is anywhere between 4 and 6 am anymore. Lovely, eh? I tried Tylenol PM one night, and I either need to up the dosage, or I’m gonna have to make myself be in bed by 2 again. Because even by the time I go to bed at 6 am, I can guarantee I’m not that tired. Haha!

Anyway, I guess this is enough rambling for the moment so I’ll go. Hopefully I’ll be back to more introspective writing before too much longer.

 <3

Currently watching: The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Currently gaming: World Of Warcraft (yeah yeah, I know :P)
Currently reading: Son Of A Witch by Gregory Maguire

I had an interview Monday, and I hope this one has some kind of promise to it. I wouldn’t say the cat is in the bag, but I feel pretty good about it. I’ll be more surprised if I don’t get the job than if I do, but like I said, I’m not counting on it. I should know by Friday!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, but now the problem is I don’t know what to write. Maybe I should start being old fashioned, and write the original thoughts down on paper, and when I have an internet connection, plug em in on here. Could work, right?

Well, either way,  I really do hope to be around more, and hope to really make something out of this. I have the chance now!

Oh and something else I’m going to start doing, just for kicks, is writing in each entry what I’m into at the moment. Don’t know why, just sounds fun.

Currently listening: Togeliebt by Tokio Hotel
Currently reading: Son of A Witch by Gregory Maguire
Currently obsessing: Nightwish